Family Enmeshment
Family dynamics consists of members of the family who make up ‘parts’. Within parts there are subsystems, for example the parental subsystem, spouse subsystem, and siblings subsystem. In family dynamics, members follow certain behaviours and roles within the family system. What happens when a member of the family deviates from these patterns of behaviour and when emotions run high making them unable to make their own decisions, enmeshment develops.
Enmeshment is a description when relationships within the family environment are not independent or members are unable to make their own way or decisions. Enmeshment is when the roles and expectations are confused, when parents depend on their children for emotional support, and children are not encouraged or even allowed to become emotionally independent as ‘individual’ in their own right, especially from parents. The fundamental point about enmeshed families is that these traits could happen unconsciously, invisibly so to see the origin of these behaviours is not always straightforward. Furthermore, these blended emotions and roles can get unconsciously passed through generations or can be originated from a particular reason or specific circumstance such as trauma, a health problem.
In cultural terms this dynamic can be reinforced within families of traditional cultural backgrounds. Eastern cultures where family is the ‘group’ and ‘individual independence’ is not necessarily a way of being can become enmeshed. Reliance on young to adult children is enmeshed in some eastern cultures to a point where ‘moving out’ is not expected as the expectation is that will happen when getting married. When we talk about enmeshed families, healthy boundaries rarely exist. This can be reinforced more so in eastern cultures where the ‘group’, the family is the way of being where individual growth, choices, decisions can be quite a challenge within an environment where there is no space mentally to grow.
Typically, within enmeshed families, parents do not respect their children’s privacy and can even rely on them for emotional support or even friendship. Often times the child or young adult can end up being their parents’ confidant. The adverse effect is that as a child grows into adulthood they either subconsciously or consciously include their parents in daily decisions. This can range from important decision to purchasing their own home or places they go to or even whom they can be friends with. Even partners they think parents would or would not approve. The lack of self-esteem or confidence plays a part in being unable to make decisions as a grown-up without parental approval along the way. This is not a case of lack of respect rather the child into adulthood does not mature emotionally enough to be able to make choices or decisions without reliance or parental approval.
Examples of an enmeshed family
Overprotective parents
Hot-headed parents who haven’t worked through their own healing
Feeling responsible for your parental wellbeing
No personal space within the family home
You try to avoid conflict and become peacemaker of people pleaser
You find it challenging to say “no”
Your parents either want to or know everything about your life
You find yourself in the middle of your parents’ arguments
Your parents do not encourage your independence
The family is the ‘group’ and the entire groups feelings, opinions, or emotional experiences are ‘enmeshed’
How Enmeshment Affects a child into adulthood
Low self-esteem
Lack of self-confidence
Seeking approval
Anxiety or stress
Depression
Not being able speaking up for yourself
Not being able to cope with feelings or emotions
Feeling guilty and responsible for other family members
Fear of being cut off from the family
Not being able to regulate your yourself
Lack of boundaries
Boundaries
In enmeshed families, boundary setting is not encouraged parents, in eastern cultures boundaries may not even be approved of or in some cases they may not even be aware what are boundaries.
The reason for having boundaries helps to establish respectful behaviours and privacy within the family household. Off course these boundaries can shift and can be adapted allowing more autonomy and room for growth.
Examples of boundaries
Emotional Boundaries: This means having the awareness when and what to share and being aware how much emotional energy you are capable of. Furthermore, it is just as vital in being aware of when to remove yourself from situations that do not serve you, where your energy or feelings are not respected or you are left feeling emotionally drained.
Physical Boundaries: If able to and if there is the option of moving out from your parental home. Not being alcohol or domestic violence environments. Having your own space in the home and respecting privacy. Physical boundaries can also be alone time in the home in your own room or space to be alone for that time or spending time in the garden.
As a culturally informed family dynamics counsellor I help you with the process of communication, healing and positive family dynamics. My holistic counselling style involves building respect and boundaries in the home environment and exploring family patterns and relationships between members. I work alongside you in your therapeutic journey as you talk through and work through the issues presenting themselves. When I work with individual clients I explore with you your upbringing, relationships and other experiences that may be related to your counselling.
Together we will explore these experiences, we will also explore patterns of relating, behaviours and beliefs. Through your counselling journey you will be able to recognise these patterns of relating that might be keeping you stuck and work towards gaining self-esteem.